Shopping Wraiths, Rohan and Clicky Noises...

Today, as if by a miracle, I've managed to cure my irrational fear of buying things in shops! Normally, I have to stress out about whether I should put the money on the counter or in the shop assistant's hands (the same goes for the items that I'm trying to buy) and, as Wobbles once wrote, I can't help but fear the ubiquitous bleepy-thingys that go off at apparently random intervals for their own entertainment. It could be said that they are like dementors that feed off of embarrassment as opposed to happiness, or ring wraiths that are drawn to the power of my fear (the ones on fell-beasts as opposed to the horsed kind...much scarier).

Only a matter of minutes ago, however, I bought two milk cartons and a single can of baked beans without breaking a sweat: one point to the fourteen year old...nil to 'Best One'. Mum's proud and my twin is glad that she no longer has to buy everything for me; Mum's so pleased, in fact, she's tied up my short hair into a Rohan-style ponytail. For those of you that haven't had the pleasure of watching the extended edition of 'Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers', the Rohirrim sport massive ponytails out of the tops of their heads, and through their helmets ; for a good example see Eomer.

Speaking of Mother-mine, she's now excitedly taking close-ups of everything we own with the new camera lens and exclaiming at the 'sharpness', though she does admit that she can't actually work out if anything is different from the old lense apart from a loud clicky noise when she takes a photo.

I'm hoping to drag out writing this blog as long as I possibly can in a vain attempt to procrastinate doing the washing up...I doubt that its going to work though; not only do I feel far too guilty to keep this up, but Olympia will definitely notice. Oh well...there are worse things I could be made to do (picking up the dog turd carpet outside being one of them)...

Nicolas Cage, House MD and Miss Cream Tease...

In a vain attempt to make me fancy Nicolas Cage my Mum is making me flick through at least 3 Google-Images pages on 'Wild at Heart'; even in Moonstruck I didn't think he was particularly swoon-worthy.


I'd much rather do some 'important research' on the many faces of David Bowie or watch a couple of episodes of House MD (most notably the one where Jesse Spencer gets his top off). Hugh Laurie has to be one of the nicest men on the earth, with the most beautiful eyes! Lots of girls at my school seem to think that the head of music deserves similar praise, so it's no surprise that there's a fight to turn the pages of piano music when he's playing (I wonder if there's something sensual about that)! Fortunately, I'm not in his fan club...so no broken fingers there!

I'm really proud of my sister Scooby after her very first Burlesque performance at the Kitty Kat Club as Miss Cream Tease (http://www.creamtease.co.uk/), being her little sister is a pleasure but I can't help but be jealous of her long legs. Even when she looks like a pile of shit (her eyelids swell up in the mornings if she's stayed up too late) men drool all over her; if she's not the next Dita Von Tease I'll let the flea-ridden dogs sleep in my bed for a month!!!

Stinky Breath, Pointy Hips and Corsetry...

Woke up this morning with an absolutely repugnant headache, may have to drown myself in chilled water from the fridge. The hygienist at the dentist's said 'you should drink as much as you can, poppet...', I think this may be a kind way of saying that my breath stinks. She also said that I shouldn't drink my tea so hot because it's burning my gums; great....stinky, burnt gums and lukewarm tea. Putting this together with my headache, my fat arse, and my ominously itchy elbow (which is still itchy by the way) I don't think I'm going to be very attractive today....oh, forgot to mention that my hair is stupidly greasy because I'm scared to take too long in the shower in case the builders need the loo. Sexy, indeed.

Tragedy has struck; my beautiful Diesel jeans (which I've had forever) are getting really tight -I'm either going to have to start undoing the top button (which gives the impression that my hips are really pointy) or just suck it up. I keep telling myself that they're only tight because they've just been washed and I just have to stretch them out again. I bet Wobbles (my sporty best friend) doesn't have to stretch her clothes...

I'm going to have to look through all of the nice photos of myself just so I can remember that I'm not always this repulsive. Remember: I look good in corsets...

It has just occurred to me that the headache could have been caused by the incessant thumping from the builders in the loft; maybe I don't have to swallow my weight in liquids! I've already drunk quite a bit though...feel very sloshy.

Builders, Elbows and Kick-Ass...

The builder on the scaffolding just asked me if the 'kettle's on, or isn't it?"; I thought about mentioning that I've only just woken up and we're not paying him to refer to me as 'woohoo, luvie!'but decided against it. I'd rather that we don't end up with a hole in our roof...or spit in the gutters. I'm sure that his humour was just lost on me so I suppose I should give him a break -it's not his fault he's not a 20 year old male-model with sexy shoes (like the other builders).


Just found some kind of flea bite on my hand: not nice. I'm not letting the dogs on my bed anymore! Put together with my ominously itchy elbow, I'm a bit worried about an infestation!

Saw Kick-Ass yesterday: it has got to be one of the best films I've seen in the cinema for a long time. Not only is it stupidly funny and original but also quite emotionally affecting; who knew that a character called Big Daddy could be so tragic?

Hit-Girl has to be my new idol, minus the perverse language. Although, the fat arse situation could hinder backflips considerably!

Chav-Goths, King Kong and One Fat Arse...

Mum's just told Bird that some drunk guy (a chav/goth from the house opposite ours) has just pissed all over the road and is now attempting to park a car while blasting R+B. I think Mum is quite ready to punch him, her excuse is 'the kids could have been out there', though I do agree 'he is going to crash into something in a minute'. His car looks a bit like the really loud one that we see on the way to school with tinted windows (drug dealer much?).

Bird's wearing a Swedish army top and I think I've decided to go for a 'tough girl' look- I'm in a copying mood today. Speaking of new looks, I have just learned how to use bobby-pins properly and am planning to have an up-do-athon over the holidays so I'm ready to go back to school with cool hair.

Olympia (my twin) has just promised to write a formal apology to Bird if it turns out that Jack Black is in Peter Jackson's King Kong- although, if he's anything like Mum, he may mean Jack White or various other actors. Now that I come to think about it, though, I think Jack Black does give a chocolate to a scary-looking naked kid in King Kong. Why she refuses chocolate I've no idea. Come on, Peter, she's a girl!


Note to self: If I'm going to be a 'tough army girl' I'm going to need new combats because the old ones don't fit my fat arse!!!

I'm still wondering whether having a fat arse makes me pear-shaped or just adds to my hour-glass figure; my bum is bigger than my tits but not by much! I really annoyed now...I look short enough as it is.

Google has just informed us that Jack Black was in King Kong so Olympia is going to have to sign her apology! I'm going to have to remind her of this later;if she ever gets pissy this might break the mood/enrage the killer with...not really sure which.

I beginning to wonder where drunken-chav-goth is, and if he's crashed yet. Either way, I hope his music cuts out. Turns out that he and his mates are back in their house now, thank God - they can pee in there all they like.

I'm going to have to remember to avoid the wet patch in the road until I can forget about the wee as I might get a bit neurotic and begin to sniff my shoes and trouser legs for any faint whiffs of chav urine (surpassed only by the smell of my Dad's dog -Murphy-'s blocked bum glands in stinky-ness).

I must try to use 'repugnant' more often - great word:
"A Chav-Goth pissing on the road is simply repugnant!!" <----Brilliant!

Another note to self: Mars Attacks = Scary! There must be something wrong with me if a comedy freaks me out, I'm sure Scooby (my other sister doing an A-level in Physcology) could tell me why.

I really like this whole diary thing...
It makes me sound like Liz Parker from Roswell, minus the whole 'lovey-dovey-alien' stuff; I don't think 'd be adverse to a romance with alien Max Evans though...maybe Antarians like big arses!


I'm starting to feel a bit bad about eating a chocolate spread sandwich as it certainly isn't helping the fat arse situation and now everyone's going to know that it was me that finished the 'Nut-City' (available at any good Lidl)

Tastes good though!